I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
