I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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