I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
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The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
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Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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