My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
