I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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