God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
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Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
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we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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