is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
