I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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