I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
