you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
