shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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