I need help removing her.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You may now shotgun with the bride
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
