i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
