the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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