Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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