I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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