I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
