Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Houston, we have a squirter
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
