He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
