Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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