my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Less talking, more tequila
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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