I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
