I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
