i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Randomize
