Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
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We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I didn't notice because vodka
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I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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