Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Is Oprah even human
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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