it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
