im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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