whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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