Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
