You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
