I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Bang-toberfest begins!!
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
