Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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