I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
