what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
