On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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