My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you didnt know i had herpes?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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