so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
