She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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