so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
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She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
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It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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