My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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