My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
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