The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
