i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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