I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
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his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
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If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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