And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
