i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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