im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
