I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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