Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
