I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
