My liver just broke up with me...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
My ass is underappreciated
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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