hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
