Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
