Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
