Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
