Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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