Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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