My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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