My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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