Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude