Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
